Examples of Assumptions and Stories We Tell Ourselves

Recognizing and Stopping Negative Patterns in Your Relationship

What is my Relationships' 'Negative Cycle'?

Introduction - About This Course and How to use It (1:22)
What is a Negative Cycle or Pattern in a Relationship? (2:53)
Examples of Typical Negative Cycles in Relationships (6:10)
Components of the Negative Pattern - What Triggers You? (2:13)
What do You do when You are Triggered? (4:26)
Exercise - Talk with Your Partner About Negative Cycles You Have Seen (4:29)
PDF - What is a Negative Cycle / Basic Components

Assumptions - Thoughts that get Your Side of the Pattern Going

How Your Stories and Assumptions Drive the Negative Cycle (4:43)
Examples of Assumptions and Stories We Tell Ourselves (3:30)
The Meaning we Make when we are Triggered (5:12)
What Situations or Cues Trigger Your Story? (4:25)
Exercise - Think About two of Your own Stories - What Meaning do you Make about the Relationship? (2:09)
Exercise - Share one of Your Stories with Your Partner (2:45)
PDF - The Negative Cycle - Your Triggers and Stories

Deepening Your Understanding of Assumptions / Your Story and Where it Comes From

Why are Our Stories So Important in Driving the Negative Cycle? (4:55)
Where do Our Stories and Assumptions Originate? Hint - it's Usually not Your Partner! (4:08)
Examples of Origins of Negative Stories and Assumptions (6:13)
Exercise - Mapping out Your Story and Where it Originates (3:07)
Exercise - Share one of Your old Family Stories with Your Partner (2:56)
PDF - Stories / Assumptions and where they Originate

Reactive Feelings Born out of Negative Beliefs and Stories

Protective (Reactive) Feelings that Come from the Negative Story (1:32)
Why do we have Reactive Feelings? What is Their Purpose? (3:47)
Layers of Feelings - What Might be Lurking Underneath Reactivity? (3:47)
Examples of Typical Reactive Feelings (3:29)
Exercise - What are your Reactive Feelings that Stem from a Belief About Your Partner's Intentions (2:55)
Exercise - Share What You Understand About the Reactive Emotion and the Story it Comes From with Your Partner. (2:38)
PDF - Reactive Feelings Born out of Your Story

Behaviors - How Our Actions Help Drive the Negative Cycle

What are Reactive Behaviors - Some Examples (8:23)
How Our Nervous System Goes From 0-60 - Driving Behavior (2:34)
When We Were Young - How Those Behaviors Helped and Made Sense at the time (2:51)
Examples of Reactive Emotions and Behaviors and Where They Come From (5:24)
How Reactive Emotions and Behaviors Create Disconnection with Your Partner (2:51)
Exercise - Map out Your Reactive Behaviors (and the Reactive Emotions They Stem From) and Share Them with Your Partner (4:04)
PDF - Reactive Behaviors that Drive the Negative Cycle

The Deeper Emotions - Vulnerability

Vulnerability - The Key to Connection with Your Partner (1:14)
What is Vulnerability Exactly and how do I Know I'm Doing It? (4:37)
Vulnerable Emotions and the Nervous System can be Driven by Negative Stories. Unfortunately We Don't Know it at the Time (3:04)
Examples of Vulnerable Emotions Driven by Your Story and Resulting Expectation (6:47)
Exercise - What are the Vulnerable Emotions Triggered by Your Stories and Beliefs? Write Them Down (4:11)
Exercise - Share the Vulnerable Emotion You Discovered with Your Partner (4:30)
PDF - Vulnerability

Vulnerable Feelings - How to Calm the Nervous System so that You can Access Them

Why it's so Hard to Share Vulnerably (3:50)
How to Create Safety in Order to Share Vulnerably (5:29)
The Gift of Your Hard Work - Connection (3:15)
Exercise - Box Breath and Calming the Nervous System (2:16)
Exercise - Take time to Know You are Really Being Vulnerable - How to Support and Encourage Yourself in that Process (4:53)
Exercise - Now that You are Feeling Safer, Share Something Vulnerable with Your Partner (5:18)
PDF - Learning to Calm Down the Nervous System so that Vulnerability is Possible

Ok, Sounds Good, but How do I Really put This into Practice?

Notice when the Negative Cycle is Happening and call it Out (4:43)
The Function of the Time-Out and how to call it Responsibly (4:24)
Calming the Nervous System and Making Your Partner Right (4:39)
How to set the Stage to Share Vulnerably even when You Don't Want To (3:22)
Exercise - Naming and Sharing Your Resistance - Tell Your Partner that You are Having Trouble Sharing Vulnerably (2:35)
Exercise - Connecting the Dots - Sharing all the Layers (5:07)
PDF - Reactive Behaviors and how They Fuel the Negative Cycle

Putting it All Together

Remember the Most Important Thing - Vulnerability Equals Connection (1:57)
It's Not Only About the Words - Learning how to Slow Your Reactions and Access Real Vulnerability (3:18)
Being Patient with Yourself and Your Partner as You Work on Changing Patterns (3:37)
Second and Third Chances (5:11)
How to Keep Working on This - Give Yourselves Time and be Gentle (3:46)
Exercise - More Practice Sharing Your Story, Reactive Emotions, Reactive Behaviors, and Your Underlying Vulnerability with Your Partner (2:40)
Exercise - Setting Goals and Future Wishes with Your Partner (3:23)
PDF - Summing it all Up

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